I was watching Bridge of Spies and this one small line changed my effing life. 

"Would it help?"

nevermind the context (..or go watch the movie?)

The context in this instance is only relevant to me since it was my lesson to learn in that moment…make sense? 

… probably not…


Whatever your 'it' may be, I think your lesson will find you before you find it.

I had no idea this would be mine. 
I wasn't expecting it. 
I just heard the line, thought for a second, then it was like someone pulled a plug on the clog in my mind. 

Don't get me wrong, I thought I was going nutty bananas for a second. 
I started to laugh. 
Then I started laughing at myself.

but in a…healthy way?
 
I was like

"you dumb shit, of course!"

yeah there's a lot more nuance to that story but….
I want to focus on the lesson itself - not the context.
	(take a shot every time I write the word 'lesson')

The lesson was to not worry. 
I know I have been told this. and I've told this to others a zillion times before… 
but this time I felt the lesson. 

It just finally made sense.

Now, I did have to overthink this…cuz that's what I do best, and here is how I think the lesson came together for me. 

I was at my rockiest rock bottom I've ever rocked before. 
…rock on..

I was in a graduate program and I just…stopped going. 
I had turned into such an angry, irritable human. 
I set every bridge I had on fire… like…hardcore……

…okay, like graduate student hardcore… 
…A.K.A. Saying passive aggressive things to faculty…

I felt terrible. 
I'm not usually good at what I do, but I always try hard, and I didn't like who I was becoming.  

anyway…

That was the first big thing that happened in my personal life this year.
It was tough,  but it gave me the time I needed to address the rest of my… mental mess. 

No job, no money, mountain of student debt, nervous breakdown, in the second year of my transition, and too afraid to tell the only three people I still had contact with on a semi-regular basis (they are the most wonderful humans I have ever met and I would not be here without them). 
Among too many other things.

again, not the point.

These issues weren't the end of the world…
But they felt like the end of my world. 

I was so overwhelmed that I just…popped. 







Then, I heard the line in that movie…

"Would it help?"

From that moment on my brain has been allowing me to think about one thing at a time.

Still, briefly….

I might only get a window of 20-30 minutes,
But I've been learning how to use those 20-30 minutes.

It's slow going…

…slow like when the car in front of you won't pull all the way fucking forward, and the speaker calls on you but you're awkwardly far back and don't want to scream your order, then you pull up and wait for them to ask again like you're some dipshit who is taking 5 minutes to learn to pronounce the phrase "I'll do a number 11 with a coke."...


so… slow… but you know you're still getting your sandwich in the end…





It feels great to finally work on myself.
for real this time.