What now?

I’ve been off all my meds for a little over a week. I have gone through various stages of withdrawal and I am fairly hopeful it will even out soonish. I went from manic and angry and have settled into sleepy and emotional. I haven’t been awake too much this past week, I mainly go to work and go right to sleep after. Going off the hormones I haven’t noticed any real physical symptoms, at least I think, but emotionally it is hurting worse than I thought. I knew I had to do it, but finally cancelling my future appointments and cutting the relationship with my doctor made it a reality for me that it’s over. I don’t really want to talk about that right now though.

So what now?

Since January of last year I have completed 141 job applications. Out of all of those I have had 4 interviews, and 0 offers. I was very lucky that my current job initially denied me, then had some people drop, which they came back and offered me a spot last august. I have applied for retail, hospitality, finance, education, IT, HR, and even spent some time figuring out if I could go into adult entertainment. I think at this point I just want to feel wanted.

Of those 141 applications, the last 30 I have applied to under my deadname. I think in my head I wondered if maybe it was a discrimination thing, since apparently every company on earth is desperate for workers and I can’t get anything, but it seems that I am just wholly unqualified to do anything.

I always said that I don’t regret going to school, but lately I have been wondering. I make $15 and some change an hour, which don’t get me wrong, I get is considered ‘good’ (at least I think it is?). This makes me feel kind of bad for complaining about it, but I don’t know what else to do. $15/hr with 11 years work experience and a masters degree isn’t livable. It takes two paychecks just to cover my rent and I live in the cheapest place in a 50 mile radius (according to apartments.com).

My next step is going to be to try to hold steady until August when my lease is up and see if I can move to a cheaper state. If I didn’t have my cat I was going to try a year of car living, but she means more to me than the breath in my lungs so I wouldn’t do that to her.

In the meantime I am just kind of floating. For the time being at least I can’t apply to any more jobs. I have been begging at my own company to figure out what skills to gather to apply to different positions after I have been there for a year, something that was heavily covered in orientation, but even there I can’t get an ear. I have asked my boss at least twice a month since September and it’s always “I’ll get something on the calendar for next week.” I tried to take initiative and applied for an internal position and contacted a different manager to ask about said spot. I didn’t get the interview and I got scolded for going behind my managers back as it is their ‘biggest pet peeve’

I can’t fill out any more applications, do any more stupid fucking personality assessments, or pre-recorded phone/video interviews or any of the other stupid bullshit hoop every application asks for. 141 times I guess is my limit.

So what now? Where is this employment blacklist I must be on? I have historically been an extremely patient person. Is it selfish to say that 11 years of hard work, patience, and collecting any scraps I can, only to completely restart is too much for me? I don’t want anything special, I just want to not feel like a pile of trash for once.

Am I a bad person? These days it feels more and more like I should just quit complaining and suck it up. I don’t have much of a choice but to do that, I guess.

At the moment I’m out of fight.

To quote an old favorite song of mine:

The child is grown
The dream is gone

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