Coding in the dark.

My last post was pretty dark

I went back and fourth on deleting it, but I am going to keep it for two reasons.

One, because it was how I felt in the moment, and I felt I needed to write it. Maybe just to get it out…When I started this anonymous-ish blog, my number one goal was to not delete anything, and I am going to force myself to stick to it. Maybe if things get better, it will be healthy to look back and see where I was…I don’t know.

The other reason is that I am still pretty deep in that headspace and I don’t think it would be healthy to pretend that I am not. I have this issue in the real world, I might as well work on it here.

So, what have I been up to…

Like most weeks, I have my manic ups and downs.

I am trying as hard as I can and leaving no stone unturned. It feels like I am working 10 times harder than I did in graduate school. I don’t know if it is good or bad, but I enjoy this kind of lifestyle(ish).

I love the hunt for the next thing; how does this work, how does that work, why is this, why is that etc…

I love to learn.

What I don’t love is when I can’t take a break from it for a moment to relax and refresh, but, one thing I learned for certain in college is that every second I am taking a break, someone else is working…or something like that.

So, this is what I have been working on.

I’ve always been tech-curious. I tried (very half-heartedly) ca. 2008 to learn visual basic and asp.net. I don’t for the life of me remember one iota of either. The ‘problem’ I ran into back then is I sucked at math. Hard. I remember having to give up all my lunch periods freshman year to work with a tutor because I was one of those kids they worried would bring down their state test scores.

I never understood a lick of any of it. I was convinced I was dumb and that I was never going to get it. I quickly gave up on programming because it looked and felt like math, so I figured I would quit while I was ahead.

I have been going over every possibility of what to do for a career. I’m more than 200 apps in now (I recently learned one of my issues might be that my resume doesn’t pass applicant tracking software – which…just fuck every piece of that nonsense.)

My hobby/escape has been…being super tech curious. I have gone down so many rabbit holes in the last 3 years.

I said I used to be tech curious, but I completely abandoned that when I started college in 2010. 3 years ago I couldn’t figure out how to shut off a windows computer, and I only knew the word Linux, but nothing about it.

Now I have resurrected a long-dead MacBook pro I never got around to recycling and installed ubuntu. I can navigate around decently well through the terminal, I have installed and messed around with python and JavaScript on it, and just yesterday I went through a tutorial to make a color-flipper in JavaScript and IT FUCKING WORKED!!! I have also tinkered with 3d modeling on my windows laptop, learned the basics of blockchain technology, learned a tiny bit of SQL, went through the entire HTML tutorial on w3schools, among like 30 other things.

The above paragraph made me smile as I was writing it… It’s the most basic of the basic, but it’s all stuff I never in a million years thought I could grasp any part of….

The reason I wrote this post is that today was a very bad day. I was working though the w3schools JavaScript tutorial and struggling hard, and I had the crushing realization that people spend years in school to do this…how the hell do I expect to ‘catch’ up on my own within the next 50 years….

I know I can’t think like that, and I think I know what I want to do. I want to find a mentor. I’m having information overload and I can’t tell what I should be focusing on. I need to start from the beginning, but I don’t know what the beginning is, and I can’t tell what I need to know…I like to learn by project, but in this new space I am at a loss for how to project plan….

The good news is though I am desperate to get into a job making more than $15 an hour because healthcare would be cool…I am intrinsically motivated to keep learning and trying to build because even though nothing is making any sense, it’s all making sense…if that makes sense?

I’ll put it this way: When making my JavaScript color flipper yesterday, everything was working except the layout. The tutorial took about 40 mins for me to complete, and it took and hour and some change for me to figure out I made 2 typos in the html, which fixed the layout.

I didn’t feel angry or stupid, I just laughed and thought to myself “there’s gotta be a spellcheck in this thing somewhere” (I’m sure there probably is…I just haven’t figured that out yet)

Thanks for reading.

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