The girl in the mirror

Today was weird…

cool weird.

It’s the day after my 30th birthday.

I’ve been joking with my friend about how I’m just going to “stay 29 forever.” I knew that I didn’t really care….

I was making those jokes ironically!

right…?

….shit.

My social circle is really small. It’s just me and my best friend.

(…and my cat)

The only other people I interact with are my coworkers.

I’m not against having friends…I’ve just been…kind of a shitty friend….like…really shitty.

I can’t go back in time, but I can make sure I don’t forget that. One of my favorite youtubers, Larry Lawton, has a catchphrase:

“I don’t believe in bad people, I believe in bad choices.”

So I’ve got a lot of good ones to start making.

But that’s a story for another time.

Oh, right…back to my social circle…

I went out of my way to hide that it was my birthday to my coworkers. I even deleted my birthday from my employee profile, just so it wouldn’t show up in the daily birthdays list.

…That sounds like I was afraid.

I couldn’t stand the thought of being reminded I was 30.

I get along with everyone I work with, and the most that happens on everyone’s birthday is you walk in and a few people give you a lazily excited “Happy Birthday!”

I was afraid of hearing “Happy Birthday.”

…On my birthday.

sheesh

That’s why today was good weird.

Yesterday ended up being my favorite birthday ever.

It was special as fuck and I was not ready for that.

I went to work and happened to have an earlier shift, so I got out at 3.

The plan was to go hangout with my bestie. (I promise to not overuse that word)

I thought I would go to her place and we would just talk, and have coffee.

I knew she had gotten me a gift.

And I was really excited for that. I just wanted to see my friend for my birthday.

So I go to her place, she had gotten me a couple outfits since I had been wearing, literally, the same 5 outfits every day….since last august.

I washed them, I’m not that gross….

but more on that later.

I changed into one of the outfits and loved it.

Just a super casual shirt and pants, but it really matched my personality.

I never understood that phrase until yesterday…

But that’s not even the cool part.

We sat and talked for a while before going to our new favorite coffee shop. Then we drove around the city and just laughed like two morons.

I felt completely out of my shell. I didn’t even think about being trans. It’s happened only one other time before this, and it’s weird.

It’s AMAZING, but weird.

Both times it made me feel like I had just caught up on a decade of sleep the next day.

I forget how much I can get in the way of myself.

The last time this happened was a little less than a year ago.

The first day of my new job. It was my first time working at a place that I was out before they knew me.

I definitely let myself fall back down again after that.

It’s okay, because as I wrote at some previous point in this…mess of a blog…

I am really good at fucking up.

But I keep getting better, in measurable ways after.

Not that I want to keep fucking up, but I do need to stay proud of the fact that I’m getting much stronger when it comes to pulling myself back up.

but…more on that later.

Last I wrote here was a couple months ago when I was starting to crack the surface of whatever the hell I was trying to do.

If that last sentence was awkward to read…yeah… but that’s about the only way I can describe it…

two days ago, I was 29.

I had convinced myself I was a complete failure and had nothing to show for my twenties, other than debt.

Today, I am 30

I spent the last year personally chauffeuring my self around my own personal hell, and I’ve come out of it with two incredible job opportunities, that are the result of my hard work.

(a little dramatic in the first half there but…f*ck it, it’s there for flavor…)

They both pay essentially the same that I make now, but they are two opportunities that I helped create, along with very kind and genuine people, that will likely never know they were helping me.

So, it’s another small step.

But finally acknowledging the girl in the mirror

feels huge.

Thank you,


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