Pressure & Sanity

Stably insane

January 12th, 2022

_{The Prompt: Who’s dancing and why are they tapping those toes? (I took a metaphorical approach on this one)}

Being stably insane can have its little silver linings. One can take solace in knowing they are going insane.

Depending on the day she seemed stable. Also depending on the day, she seemed insane.

She’s an odd person, somewhere between unnoticed and misunderstood. She’s kind, she hopes for the best.

But she’s going insane…

So, the silver lining?

When one can be present in their own insanity, they get to dance in-between their own realities.

Featured image by: James Yarema
The metaverse of the mind

January 12th, 2022

The Prompt: Write about a ship or other vehicle that can take you somewhere different from where you are now.

What if we could decode the brain to such a point that we develop technology that can interact with it like a hard drive. With such technology, we could create a Vessel for Conscious Experiences.

What this would be is some sort of autonomous drone, be it humanoid, or some other type of robot that can go all the places we can’t. For starters, scientists could use it to explore nearby planets or other celestial objects without having to leave earth. This would be different than virtual reality or a simulation, because instead of just recording video, it can take in and process everything as conscious memories. You would have all the feelings, smells, experiences, as if you had actually gone to mars.

Would this still be a genuine experience? I think it depends on how you think of data. As far as I know, science doesn’t have a definitive answer on what consciousness actually is, but we ‘know’ that we can see, feel, smell, hear, and taste. If all these senses are our bodies processing the information around us to tell our brains what to experience, at what point does data become consciousness?

Featured image by: Dan LeFebvre
That Sunday before school starts

January 12th, 2022

The Prompt: What’s the weather outside your window doing right now? If that’s not inspiring, what’s the weather like somewhere you wish you could be?

It feels like a Sunday night. More specifically, do you remember the last Sunday before the new school year started? It’s that kind of feeling. Sort of an, empty but anxious calm. It’s your last night before you have to get back to school mode.

In reality it’s a Wednesday in January. It’s in the mid 40’s, but still snowy-ish. Like that melting, super wet, dirty side of the road, visible grass patch snowy. I am normally pretty indifferent about the weather. I prefer a warmer climate, but sometimes it’s going to be cold, sometimes it going to be hot so…. With that being said, I effing HATE this weather. It’s not the temperature that bugs me, its the ugly snow. I don’t know what it is… but it annoys me more than most things.

Maybe it’s something about being ‘in-between’ that I don’t like. I love when its peak summer, everything is green and nice, and I love when it snows super hard and everything is covered.

All the stuff in between though?

Not a fan…
I’m going out of my comfort zone

January 12th, 2022

I want to work on my writing. The more I do it, the more I realize the peace it brings me. When I write, I always feel a little tire after, but in a good way. It feels like I got some of the noise and stress out of my head. So, I am not really excited to do it and I have that “I just don’t want to” feeling, but screw it. I googled writing prompts and clicked the first link :

365 Creative Writing Prompts

For some dumb reason I feel silly, or like it’s going to be cheesy…but fuck it, bring the cheese. I am not doing one a day or anything, just going to start with #1 and take myself through the list at whatever pace I can.
It’s not always easy to spot.

January 11th, 2022

*_{Posted as a picture because the format is important for the effect.}

it’s not always easy to spot.
I’ve always been messy

January 9th, 2022

Lately I have been working on my organizational skills, or, lack thereof… Growing up I was always in trouble for having a messy room. The jokes still fucking follow me to this day, and I am now 30….

But, I am super messy. My room is always a fuckcluster of shit, my car is a disaster, I have just enough room on my desk to kind of fit my keyboard….It’s….it is what it is…

I do try to clean, and usually every other month or so I get everything nice and tidy, but then proceed to destroy it all within a day…It’s like a god damn out-of- body experience… I blink and BOOM….it looks worse than ever.

I always say that I like it that way and it’s just ‘how I am.’ I don’t hate it, but I don’t like it either. I would love to be more organized. I know how much stress it would relieve to be neat and organized…I just…can’t… I’m not even going to try and explain it, you just have to trust me… I can’t.… but I will keep trying.

That leads me to what I have been thinking about the past few days. All of the places I keep super messy are what I consider my personal spaces. I have two….clues? I think? It might not be either, or it may be a mix of both – but I have been wondering:

Do I keep my spaces messy because it feels like the only thing I’ve ever had control over?

Or is it a deeper, symbolic thing, like, keep the attention on anything but me?

I need to keep chewing on it…It’s not that I need to figure this out in a black and white sort of way, it just feels like it could be a small piece to the puzzle I am working on. The puzzle being my mental health…but, I mean you probably got that….

That’s all on that for now…

I overthink Everything

December 31st, 2021

I've been thinking about what I say at work and, had that super cringe 'why the fuck did it come out like that' feeling..
But not today, Satan.

I have been working really hard on forcing myself to break the negative thought loop as soon as I catch it, and I am finally learning how to 'think my way out of it.' 

It's kind of exciting and It feels healthier.
It's not 100 percent of the time, but it is getting easier. 
I figured out what works for me, and that is fighting fire with fire…or in this case, thoughts with thoughts.
If overthinking were a sport, I'd be the Roy Kent of that sport.

So I said fuck it, and decided to embrace the thoughts instead of fight them.

 It was tough to do at first, but I have been getting better at logic-ing my way out of my own head.

_{*hits blunt}

Once I started doing this out loud and recording it, I realized how much freaking energy it sucks out of me. Just listening to myself I can tell that some of the rationalizations I make in my head are…fucking stupid

My co-workers have given me no reason to distrust them.
They are wonderful, patient people who I think are able to see that I'm growing, even if I make some awkward verbal slips.
Growth is awkward and hard
but it feels good.*

_{*like butt s-...nevermind…}

I’m just goin’ through it…

December 31st, 2021

I ignore messages and calls like it's my job. 

I feel incredibly lonely, 
but I can't always bring myself to be around people.

I have lost most of my friends doing this…
I'm in  the process of doing it now with some people I just met….

I'm workin' on it…

I don't hate being alone, but I kind of wish I had some friends to be alone with.

I have conditioned myself over the years to not care about myself. 
I always assume I am less intelligent or inferior in any situation. 

This leads me to put up this defense mechanism where I try to project confidence in anything but myself.


I went to a therapist for a year and a half and I could never get myself to fully open up. 
I would always try to put a positive spin on how things were really going, and I would censor what I considered to be my 'dumbest' thoughts. 

This person loves to listen to problems so much that they became a therapist… and I would still hide things.


I am finally being honest with myself
but I still have a hard time being honest with others.

I am taking the time to learn about myself for now.
The people that I have surrounded myself with, I think, understand that I don't mean to be such a weirdo all the time.

I am just, 
as they say,

goin' through it right now…..





for 29 years…

Happy Holidays

December 30th, 2021

This was my first Christmas alone. I estranged myself from my family, and my best friend is out of the country. I have disappeared from pretty much everyone I know outside of work and
 need a lot of time and space to clear my head.

I always thought that Christmas time was my favorite time of year, but I think I like the idea of Christmas, but not the reality of it. At least not the ones I have experienced through my adult life.

I always wanted to be with my family around the holidays, but it took walking away from them to realize how much justifying I had to do to enjoy the holiday. I dreaded going home more and more every year, and would always drag someone along with me. 

Maybe if we hadn't had this whole pandemic mess this never would have happened. But this year I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't deal with the awkwardness, the fighting, the boomer humor, the constant…constant quips and jokes and puns…on top of the gaslighting and guilt.

I had two days off with total peace and quiet.
It may have been my favorite Christmas ever.
Happy Holidays!

I can let it go.

December 30th, 2021

I had a moment where I got upset and I realized something…

I can let it go.

I was stupid and convinced myself to be mad at my co-worker for literally nothing. I don’t think she had any idea I was irritated at all, because it was one of those smile on the outside, burn on the inside, irritations.

But I know I think too much.

What actually happened, is she totally had my back, and I got mad inside about nothing. I was was thinking she was somehow looking down on me, when nope. She’s just a hell of a team player!

Here’s the good news:

I wrote some lame stuff on a notecard and got the angsty stuff out, and instantly felt better. I am realizing more and more these days that 99 percent of the conversations I have, are all with myself in my own head.

And I am working in customer service…

Every second of every day my brain is going on and on and on, trying to figure out what everyone is thinking.

I think what I need to do

is chill the fuck out.

I am the kind of person that would scream at you that I am chill…

So, no chill….zero.

I have been working on this a lot, and giving myself this creative outlet has helped immensely.

It has made me realize that I don’t need to work on what I have done,

I need to work on what I need to do.